“You bought what?!” – Weird Band Merchandise for Sale

By on Friday, 20th April 2012 at 11:00 am
 

Last week the titans of thrash, Slayer, announced they are going to release a deathly delight for their legions of fans – wine. Dubbed ‘Reign in Blood’ after their brutalising 1986 album, the Cabernet Sauvignon is the ideal accompaniment for any true metaller’s raw steak with extra blood. And what is more metal than blood-coloured alcohol? Maybe Lemmy‘s whiskey collection, but that’s about it.

Some bands, though, appear to just love putting their name to anything. Instead of forcing fans to take out a mortgage for the chance to see their favourite band at a soulless enormodome, there’s a wealth of branded toys, trinkets and treats for fans everywhere with too much money.

To tie-in with their ‘build a rocket boys!’ album, Elbow teamed up with local Stockport Robinsons Brewery to create their very own beer. Described as a “golden ale with a rich balanced body, smooth bitterness, subtle tang of malt and fruity aroma”, this premium nectar sounds like a delicious addition to any beer aficionado’s collection but don’t listen to Elbow whilst drinking or you might never stop. They’re that bland.

Speaking of bland, one of the most shameful pieces of merch comes from one of the worst bands of all time (personal opinion). Not only do the Killers contribute nothing to modern music at all – other than a rotating festival headliner – they cash in on the gullibility of idiots by selling ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ toothbrushes. Yes, you read that correctly. You can now be reminded of that god-awful song whilst you partake in oral hygiene. Rock on, guys.

But what about when you can’t rock any more? Don’t worry there’s something for you too, it’s a coffin! Actually named the Kiss Kasket, Gene Simmons and co. licensed the sale of a final resting place covered in Kiss logos and pictures of the face-painted funsters. Pantera‘s Dimebag Darrell was actually buried in a Kiss Kasket at his own request. It’s also said to double up as a giant beer cooler for parties: just make sure you know which event you’re attending.

Before death, though, comes life! And we all know how we get life, right kids? But if you plan to practice making babies first, don’t forget to rubber up with your favourite band’s own brand of condom. What could make that moment between you and a loved one more special than by donning Manowar‘s Warrior’s Shield sheath to your, ahem, warrior. [Thanks to Graham Norton, my eyes have been offended by the JLS line of condoms as well. Norton confirms the Aston Merrygold line sells best. - Ed.] But if you’re not into the fantasy power metallers in the bedroom, how about Enter Shikari‘s No Sleep Tonight member jackets? Named after a song that also features the lyric “we can’t quite stomach this”, make of that what you will.

No-one does dirty sexy like the Germans, though. So leave it to industrial enthusiasts Rammstein to create their very own sex toy set. To celebrate the release of their 2009 album ‘Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da’, the Berlin bruisers released a special edition box set that included six dildos, a pair of handcuffs and some lube. Not amusing little dildos you can use as a key ring, we’re talking the real deal. If one of your family members is a Rammstein fan and you think you’ve found the perfect gift for them on eBay, give the description a thorough read before bidding.

Tags: bandmerchandise, Elbow, EnterShikari, essay, Kiss, Lemmy, Manowar, merchandise, Pantera, Rammstein, slayer, thekillers

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